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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!