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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
thinking men should come with a carfax....
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.