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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.