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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out