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You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music