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Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?