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I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.