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My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?