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I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.