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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.