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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.