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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.