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My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
Hash browns not tags.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.