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Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.