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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
Go ahead caller 9!!
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.