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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.