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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!