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There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.