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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.