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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.