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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
is in no shape to exercise
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.