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My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.