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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
AWESOME!