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I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
Go ahead caller 9!!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.