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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.