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Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted