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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.