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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.