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When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.