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Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
It’s a status….not your diary…
I`m having an out of money experience.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.