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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?