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I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.