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Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.