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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"