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Workout Journal Day #5: Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.