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If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.