Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.