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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle