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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.