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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Go ahead caller 9!!
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....