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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....