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If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.