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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.