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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.