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At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
Iām on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Good news everyone ā my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe