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I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
Word for the day is asstard
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....