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Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.