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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
YouTube "This video is not available in your country". where the hell am I from? NARNIA?
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.