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"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.