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That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car