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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
It`s not so much blowing my diet as preventing the fudgesicles from developing freezer burn.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.