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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
when in Rome get naked ;)
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.