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Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, Iām not tired at all.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Word for the day is asstard
Iām thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.