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When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
lifes a laugh, start living it!
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.