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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise