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So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.