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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!