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It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.