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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
So many fun things to say … too many relatives on Facebook to post!
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.