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Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"