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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
What’s the answer to this question?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!