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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
PLEASE - put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn`t know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won`t copy and paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. 6% of people are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers and the remaining 1% are awesome and will re-post.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.