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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.