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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.