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Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
I never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
why do i feel like you are reading this
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?