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If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
loves driving down the road and just waving at random people like you know them!:D
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.