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Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.