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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.