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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Line forms here for spankings
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.