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Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.