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My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Girls just wanna have funds.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.