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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.