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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".