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Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)