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I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.