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Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.