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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me