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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
take me drunk i`m home
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.