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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.