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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
I probably shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night ... Especially as I walked there in the first place.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.