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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.