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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.