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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"