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10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.