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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Trust me, I am a liar.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?