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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
is in no shape to exercise
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
Relationship Status: eating
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`