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What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.