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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
is in no shape to exercise
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?