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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.