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We are so fortunate not to live in China, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.