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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.