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common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.