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Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside