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Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)