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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
All i wanna know is how this website knew my name is Guest?
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split