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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?