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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
It’s not pretty being easy.