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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.