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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.