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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.