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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.