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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.