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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.