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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
Most problems can be solved with nudity
A wise man, will often say nothing
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
The secret to success is in my bra.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”