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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s
We think therefore we must be, but are we?
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!