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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."