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?-- that guy is cute ?
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
My number was 0...
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)