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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
I’m sad when my food is over.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.