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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
and alcohol are now friends.
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work